I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
