He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize