he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
