just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
