just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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