Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
we're so committed to being not committed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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