dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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