Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
