i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
40s are totally the cure
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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