So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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