I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
