Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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