My cat gives me a boner
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
