I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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