hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
