Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
