Just fell off a train. Bad.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
