her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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