if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you had me at cake vodka
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
