my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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