this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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