sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
