cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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