it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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