dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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