I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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