Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
