I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
