I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize