a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
