I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we made out on top of his cat.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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