just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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