Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
