Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
