We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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