I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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