now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
