can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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