I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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