There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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