I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
