Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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