can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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