i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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