I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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