We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
