I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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