Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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