what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
