She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
