you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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