Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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