and you said cock pushups were impossible
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize