If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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