Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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