This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
